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Birth Defects and the Healthy Sibling

As if it were not hard enough to deal with the reality of a child affected by birth defects, if you have other children, you will need to spend some time coming to grips with their feelings and needs as well. No matter how severe the birth defect, or whether it is a systemic abnormality affecting the organs or a clearly visible deformity, the odds are high that the other children in the family will need to learn to deal with it to some extent. While you may be tempted to let others deal with the healthy siblings or perhaps feel that they need to learn to deal with their problems relating to the health issues of their sibling, do not give in to this way of thinking!

Instead, remember that birth defects and the healthy sibling will be largely responsible for the way your affected child learns to deal with the reality of the abnormality. In some cases you could even say that a child affected with a birth defect learns to see her- or himself and self worth through the eyes of the siblings in the household. Here are some points to consider:

? Children deal with problematic situations differently. One of your children may be verbal, while another may choose to express fears and frustrations via drawings or even music. Relate to each of your child on their individual level and do not expect or require a common form of communication when it comes to their innermost thoughts.

? In some cases the healthy siblings may experience guilt over the other child's birth defect, especially if at some point during your pregnancy they were less than enthusiastic about welcoming a little brother or sister into their home. The healthy siblings may experience misplaced feelings of being responsible for the child's birth defect and may actually believe that it could have been avoided had they had a better way of thinking. If not dealt with immediately, concisely, and definitively, your healthy sibling may try to run away, hurt her- or himself, or do something else equally drastic to even the scales - in their minds.

? When older siblings experience the cruelty of other children directed at their affected brother or sister, it is time to teach them about the emotional and behavioral smallness of some people and how to best deal with it. This may also open the door for the admission of some personal smallness on their parts which can further a good discussion on how to deal with their sibling's birth defect.

? If the birth defect is so severe that death is a possibility, it is wise to prepare the healthy siblings in advance. Never guarantee death, but also do not guarantee healing. There is nothing wrong with saying that you do not know what will happen, that you hope and pray for the best, but that if worse comes to worst, there is an explanation about what will happen. Reassure the healthy siblings and be prepared to deal with their fears and thoughts about death.